Sunday, October 18, 2009

BreAnna and the Speaker

BreAnna - - it just shows how distant we have grown


BreAnna - - im so scared that all relationships in my life are that way because of me


BreAnna - - i have far too many irrational fears

its ridiculous



BreAnna - - i try so hard to make my life balanced, i just dont see what im doing wrong but at some point im the only person i can blame

why else woudl everything constantly end the way it does

i dont even know what i want anymore and thats scary as fuck im 20 i should know where im going and be well on my way



BreAnna - - sorry

its alot to handle

you shouldnt have to


Speaker - - breanna its okay


BreAnna - - i think the best thing i can do is break away for awhile

i am an adults, adults should be able to handle at very least themselves

this depression has getting worse and worse over the last year or so

sometimes i want to pull myself out and sometimes i want push myself back in i deserve some of this i have to whatever i did its karma


BreAnna - - i was so in love and so happy and i had all stability ripped from me and i got taunted constantly by the one person i loved , i do everything in my power to try to hate her, i just want to wake up and really believe it never happened

i wasnt good enough for her and its hard for me to believe that i will ever be good enough for anyone


BreAnna - - evrything tirggers that i am weak, and im not enough and i need to fix myself and then ill be happy and then ill deserve happiness



BreAnna - - i just want to be ok again and its been so long i dont remember how it feels


BreAnna - -i spent six months of my life drinking everyday from 4 till i couldnt feel or see or think, it was easier to be drunk to numb the pain. Because at that point your not weak your just drunk and stupid.

my friends have never looked at me the same

i let myself break and i cant put the pieces back, but i can always show the face the world wants to see

i told myself for months that my true friends would just see through and help me they know i was hurting and they would help me

but i cant be angry they cant help me if i could help myself

Speaker - - breanna sometimes you have to show how you feel for some people to see tat your in pain
and thats where my fear comes in , im so scared to show my emotions she broke me she made me so ashamed to feel , because when you feel and you exppress it then your weak and when your weak you cant control yourself and that very unattractive

god i wish i could get her out of my head and my heart

i sound so fucking crazy

she can still today make me feel small, she makes me feel like I wont ever live up to anyone's standards

I feel like I have so much to prove to everyone

ive gone to therapy and i couldnt do that man was so nice he didnt deserve to have me bring his day down with my issues , so i lied to him and told him i was having a great day and things were looking up and i feel like i just took another step back

i really dont know if or when my heart will be ready for love again

i feel like everyone is going to get me while im down , why does everyone want to see me in pain

i need a good day , that would be nice

i cant go back

i wont have the days where i cry in the shower floor and think bree if you have one reason to live your going to be ok, sometimes i could find any reason but that i took another breath and that the scalding water was still beating down on my face t hose things kept on coming i they had no feelings and they went on and thats what i made myself

sometimes you feel so much you dont feel at all the numb takes you over and sinks into your soul, everytime your jarred it come back in small doces and reminds you to stay on your toes, everything happens for a reason

Speaker - - Breanna the more you hold on to these horrible memories an keep them locked the more pain they're going to cause you. When you fall you need to talk to someone even if there having a good day you need to talk to them because we care alot about you an your more important to us then our day.

I dont know why I trust you the way I do , Ive never given anyone the whole story only bits an pieces, i knew what others would think about parts so i just omitted those and twisted the story. They couldn't handle bree the one that wasnt drama and the quiet one void of addictions to have any issues like these. Ive tried to tell them they tell me im selfish , unstable , and not serious. My sister told me she just wanted the real breanna back they one who jumped with her whle heart and never looked back, the girl who loved life and living it

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