my worth

I do not like to highlight insecurities, but will give glory where it is due. Recently while researching a personal fault I stumbled upon the notion of the "positive paragraph". The entire complexity of the paragraph is rather simple which made me doubt it. Tossing the idea aside until having a horrible evening following a horrible morning, concluding into a no good rotten day. Sitting down with a pen and my sketchbook I wrote out everything that is wrong with me, and every issue I had with myself. Next, I simply flipped all the negative words and statements and read it aloud. I'm moved, I believed my worth and my position to be solid. I suggest everyone try this, and continue to try this, every situation calls for a positive paragraph.

Run , Runna, Run, Freedom Runnaway

"Its the cold breath of air that wakes you up."
"Whats , that"
"Freedom"

kind of strange

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
I try to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No,no, no, no, no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm till I'm lying in your arms

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No,no, no, no, no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune
Oooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooo

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no wine
No, no, no, no, no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, no, no, no, no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you

I've gotta have you, gotta have you

I've gotta have you

STOP

I truly believe that successful implementation, or actually ‘de-implementation’ of these methods will dramatically improve a number of things. The first thing that will change is your overall level of happiness, the second thing that will develop is a laser-like focus for your goals and the third thing that will change is going to be your overall awareness.

What I mean by improving your awareness is that you actually might ‘wake up’ to some of the things you’ve been doing, and understand exactly why I say you need to stop doing these things immediately.

1. Doubting Yourself - If you think that you can’t achieve something then I have some good news for you, you’re probably right. Doubts and lack of self belief are the number one way to not only fail to achieve your goals, but to prevent yourself for even trying to go for them in the first place.

Ask yourself, is there anyone in this world that could achieve what I want to achieve? If so, then you definitely can as well.

2. Looking for Answers - I don’t mean this as a sort of umbrella phrase that covers every situation in the world, sometimes we need answers. On occasion we need to know why things happened and how we can change them, but a lot of the answers we look for won’t change anything even if we get them.

• “Why do some people have all the luck?”
• “Why was I born into this environment?”
• “Why am I not smart / pretty / cool / rich?”

These are all questions that deserve no time to be pondered. Don’t look for answers, just start creating results.

3. Procrastinating - This is something I struggled with for a long time, but regular readers of the site will know that I ‘cured’ this quite well. Basically, I make sure I know what I want in life, and any time I catch myself procrastinating or wishing I didn’t have to do a certain ask, I simply ask myself: “Do you really want this?”

Has there ever been a time when procrastinating actually served you well? Did those extra 20 minutes on Facebook or a call to your friend really help the situation? The ‘problem’ is still going to be there, so just deal with it now.

4. Blaming Someone Else - It’s far easier and more likely for us to blame someone else for our current situation rather than take responsibility ourselves. “I’m poor because John makes bad financial decisions” or “I’m unhappy because Sarah left me”.

You have to take full and total responsibility for yourself and all of your actions. Sure, there will be people who want to help you and people involved in what you do, but you are completely responsible for the outcome. If you keep looking to others as the reason for your ‘failures’ without picking up the pieces yourself, these ‘failures’ will continue to happen.

5. Judging Others - First of all, you have absolutely nothing to gain but everything to lose from judging someone. People that others would instantly judge as ‘uncool’ or ‘boring’ have turned out to be some of the most awesome people I’ve ever met in my life.

Secondly, I want to make it clear that I’m not just saying this because it is nice and should be included on a list like this; I fully believe it and try to implement it into my life. If you are going to judge people, at least judge them by their actions, and not their appearance or their background.

6. Waiting to Live - I think most of you will relate to this point more than any. I should know, I’ve spent a good few years of my life waiting for things to happen before life will be perfect and I can start enjoying it. As soon as I finish college, as soon as I’m making enough money online, as soon as I’ve gained X amount of lbs and I’m ripped etc., these are all useless thoughts that I’ve had.

You know what, these things may come, and you may get to finish college or get to your dream weight. As soon as you get there though, you’ll realise you’ve just wasted and forgotten the whole journey it took to arrive at the spot. The time to enjoy life is right now, no matter what situation you are in or what you hope the future may hold.

7. Needing Reasons to Be Happy - 2 weeks ago I wrote something that touched upon this idea in one of my blog posts:

I have a huge grin on my face as I’m writing this; in fact I’ve had one for the last few days. Should I tell you why? OK, well…there is absolutely no reason. What reason do you need to feel great, why not just feel great?

I’m feeling like that on a very regular basis these days. We often feel we need things to ‘happen’ to give ourselves permission to be happy. Yet, when you think about it, how ridiculous is that? At any moment in time, you can have complete control over how you feel. Don’t look for reasons to feel good and smile, you’re alive, that should be enough.

8. Caring What People Think - I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t easy, and I don’t think it’s going to come instantly unless you have some drugs or alcohol available. I have no doubt that this step takes time, but you can begin to care less and less with practice.

“What people say about you is none of your business”

- Sean Stephenson

Goodbye Old You

The woman I find you to be. I find you to be its because your lost. Like you've lost your you really. Or did you ever have a you. If I don't know, would you know? I mean you are you, but your a new you. I don't like this you. You got some explaining to do, you.

You climb same stairs and whisper same prayers, you still aren't you. The you is hidden deep inside of you. You know right in the true blue of you. Like a secret place that tickles and lights up your face. Your hidden in there, you, come on this isn't funny you.

You you, you need to let the old you go. The new you shes bringing you down. Crushing you in the deepest you spreading the better you round. Over edges and and rubbing the curves and through dark ways rough on your knees. Its a moment of a spell, new you isn't well. Shes made you this way and we all wanted to say, but we wont. New yous taken over. Old you hasn't won we see. Goodbye to a face we don't know, to a person who lost her glow. Come again some other day when you've got new you locked away.

BreAnna and the Speaker

BreAnna - - it just shows how distant we have grown

BreAnna - - im so scared that all relationships in my life are that way because of me

BreAnna - - i have far too many irrational fears

its ridiculous

BreAnna - - i try so hard to make my life balanced, i just dont see what im doing wrong but at some point im the only person i can blame

why else woudl everything constantly end the way it does

i dont even know what i want anymore and thats scary as fuck im 20 i should know where im going and be well on my way

BreAnna - - sorry

its alot to handle

you shouldnt have to

Speaker - - breanna its okay

BreAnna - - i think the best thing i can do is break away for awhile

i am an adults, adults should be able to handle at very least themselves

this depression has getting worse and worse over the last year or so

sometimes i want to pull myself out and sometimes i want push myself back in i deserve some of this i have to whatever i did its karma

BreAnna - - i was so in love and so happy and i had all stability ripped from me and i got taunted constantly by the one person i loved , i do everything in my power to try to hate her, i just want to wake up and really believe it never happened

i wasnt good enough for her and its hard for me to believe that i will ever be good enough for anyone

BreAnna - - evrything tirggers that i am weak, and im not enough and i need to fix myself and then ill be happy and then ill deserve happiness

BreAnna - - i just want to be ok again and its been so long i dont remember how it feels

BreAnna - -i spent six months of my life drinking everyday from 4 till i couldnt feel or see or think, it was easier to be drunk to numb the pain. Because at that point your not weak your just drunk and stupid.

my friends have never looked at me the same

i let myself break and i cant put the pieces back, but i can always show the face the world wants to see

i told myself for months that my true friends would just see through and help me they know i was hurting and they would help me

but i cant be angry they cant help me if i could help myself

Speaker - - breanna sometimes you have to show how you feel for some people to see tat your in pain

and thats where my fear comes in , im so scared to show my emotions she broke me she made me so ashamed to feel , because when you feel and you exppress it then your weak and when your weak you cant control yourself and that very unattractive

god i wish i could get her out of my head and my heart

i sound so fucking crazy

she can still today make me feel small, she makes me feel like I wont ever live up to anyone's standards

I feel like I have so much to prove to everyone

ive gone to therapy and i couldnt do that man was so nice he didnt deserve to have me bring his day down with my issues , so i lied to him and told him i was having a great day and things were looking up and i feel like i just took another step back

i really dont know if or when my heart will be ready for love again

i feel like everyone is going to get me while im down , why does everyone want to see me in pain

i need a good day , that would be nice

i cant go back

i wont have the days where i cry in the shower floor and think bree if you have one reason to live your going to be ok, sometimes i could find any reason but that i took another breath and that the scalding water was still beating down on my face t hose things kept on coming i they had no feelings and they went on and thats what i made myself

sometimes you feel so much you dont feel at all the numb takes you over and sinks into your soul, everytime your jarred it come back in small doces and reminds you to stay on your toes, everything happens for a reason

Speaker - - Breanna the more you hold on to these horrible memories an keep them locked the more pain they're going to cause you. When you fall you need to talk to someone even if there having a good day you need to talk to them because we care alot about you an your more important to us then our day.

I dont know why I trust you the way I do , Ive never given anyone the whole story only bits an pieces, i knew what others would think about parts so i just omitted those and twisted the story. They couldn't handle bree the one that wasnt drama and the quiet one void of addictions to have any issues like these. Ive tried to tell them they tell me im selfish , unstable , and not serious. My sister told me she just wanted the real breanna back they one who jumped with her whle heart and never looked back, the girl who loved life and living it